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The Truth About Sexual Temptations

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written by Emma Davison | October 24, 2018

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*Disclaimer* This testimony is very raw, and can bring up emotions that you may not be prepared for. When I first heard a testimony around similar topics, it actually awoke a curiosity within me, and eventually led to a strong desire. As you read this testimony, please do the opposite of what I did and take captive your thoughts and guard your hearts. This does not need to become your story as well. If this upsets you or confronts you in anyway, make sure you talk to someone about it. Feel free to reach out to me as well. //

In life, I am tempted with different things every day, whether I am tempted to stay in bed, tempted to speed, tempted to eat other people’s food, tempted to yell at annoying people, tempted to guzzle back a can of coke, tempted to lie, tempted to have sex or tempted to watch pornography.

“WOAH, did she just say porn?”

Yes, my friends, I most certainly did. I’m here to be real and raw so buckle up; this story isn’t an easy one.

I am not proud of where I have been, but I can accept it and value it because of the redeeming grace of our Lord.

Recently, a friend brought this verse to my attention and it really resonated with me:

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“I sadly boast in my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:10

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So, as I tell this story, don’t be fooled; I am not happy about it. I’m sad. It’s my weakness, but in ‘boasting’ (sharing) God is taking my weaknesses to strengths!

My dad was actually the one to give the most relevant advice before any of this happened; my mum was too embarrassed to give me the sex talk so dad got the job. There wasn’t much to it other than ‘don’t do it’ to which thirteen year old me replied assuringly “of course I will never do that before marriage.” He then spoke straight truth from 1 Corinthians 10:12, “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.”

Unfortunately, I wasn’t careful. I fell.

It was a Wednesday in June, the day I made the decision to sex for the first time. I wish I could tell you that he lured me in, made me dinner, ran a hot bath, but this isn’t a beautiful fairytale. He didn’t even have to convince me, he didn’t have to pressure, one suggestion, one text and I was there, no candles in sight. I was fifteen and other than weird school health classes and ‘the talk’ from my dad, I hadn’t heard anything real about sex. So when I discovered the buzz, the pleasure, the intimacy (even if it was fake), I was like a train set in motion and it felt like nothing could stop me.

The boy, who I thought I was in deep love with, had many plans for me. He slowly started to change my mindsets of what sex is and what it should be. He was controlling; he taught me that the further I pushed my body the better I was. I changed into a person who was consumed by sexual behaviours and I developed a deep need to be controlled in the ‘bedroom’. For months he introduced me to more and more, but there was one particular night that changed my life forever. A text, a link and suggestion to “watch this and be like her.” Before I even clicked play, I remember thinking, “it’s something guys struggle with, so I can stop watching it whenever I want.” From that day forward, I consumed pornography for around five years.

For me it became a habit; it was clockwork, a default mood, a default situation, a series of feelings that would inevitably lead to consuming pornography. Throughout the years, I found myself more and more entangled. On top of that, I had double shame as I am a woman:

1. Shame that I was committing a sin that I was telling myself was too much even for God to handle.
2. Shame that it was a sin that was only really recognised as a sin men struggle with.

I just want you all to know that women CAN struggle with sexual compulsions, even if we’re ‘taught’ only men do.

When God revealed to me that my struggles weren’t weird or out of character for my womanhood, I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. As women we are created as sexual beings, we have uniquely crafted parts of our body that react positively to stimulation, we take pleasure in good sex. God created us like this! Sure, we are not programmed the same way men are, but I had to learn the hard way that as women we can struggle with the exact same temptation.

I love what 1 Corinthians 10:13 has to say about temptations:

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“No temptation has overtaken you except what is COMMON to ALL.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13

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Right there we learn that God does not give gender associations to any trials or temptations.

Gone are the days where I will sit in a church and hear a pastor refer to sexual sins as a man’s issue. Gone are the days where I will put up with women’s Bible testimonies’ that state ‘we will never understand what the men in our lives go through with sexual temptation.’ Gone are the days where I will let this gender assigned problem cower me into shame.

It is completely necessary to talk about sin; it is completely unnecessary to assign a gender to it.

God has got me riled up about this topic, and I believe He wants me to shed some light on the truth with you, so, my sisters, I am really just getting this started.

For years, temptation of sex consumed my life. I traded my body for temporary safety and approval. It was comfortable – it was everything I thought I needed. And even when I learnt it wasn’t what I needed, it was still what I felt like I needed in those moments of weakness. The temptation is everywhere, in posters of shirtless men, ads that pop up on streaming websites, the boys who ‘just happen’ to text you as you get into bed – the obvious places, but also in the non obvious (honestly sometimes I look at a teapot and can make a connection to a memory, a boy’s house or another place) and then there I am wrestling with the temptation to give in, to masturbate, to reach out to an old hook up even to just talk about having sex. There is no lack of temptation. I would climb into bed, living under my parents’ roof and reach for my headphones so I could consume something. I had it mentally in my head that as soon as I had reached for my headphones that was where I had given in, and from that moment on there was no return.

It was the enemy’s biggest lie to me, that there was no turning back, that a small decision meant I had to continue along the path of sin, that God was already disappointed in me.

I hid it so well, I could even believe that it wasn’t something I really struggled with. I totally disengaged with the side of myself; I shut it off and pretended it didn’t exist to a point where talking about it in counseling sessions today is really hard. It’s hard to connect with that sin and what I was thinking when I was deep into websites and sexual acts.

I remember at one of my lowest points I was lying on the ground in the middle of my house and crying out to God. “If you are real, show me, embrace me, do something.” I instantly felt peace, and two arms wrap around me. What I did was selfish, I just asked for God when I was at my lowest with no real intention of following him but EVEN IN THE WORST SINFUL SEASON OF MY LIFE, MY GOD WAS THERE FOR ME. He didn’t wrap His arms around me to prove that He was God; He doesn’t have to. He didn’t allow me to feel His presence because I was foolishly testing Him. He saw my need and He filled it because of the overwhelming compassionate God He is.

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“Praise God, He did not ignore my prayer, He did not hold back His love from me.” – Psalms 66:20

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Fast forward a couple of hard years to the glorious day I came running back to Jesus. A lot of my life changed as I continued to work on the edification of my heart, but not all of it. I worked really hard to give up pornography, to let go of the constant feelings of dissatisfaction. I worked hard to turn down the same boys that used to get whatever they wanted, but I kept failing. It wasn’t until May this year that I realised the main reason I had failed to fully overcome this temptation was that it had nothing to do with how hard I worked and everything to do with WHO I was asking for help from.

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“God is FAITHFUL, He will not let you be tempted BEYOND what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13

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I needed God to provide the way out, not me. I should have been real with God, with how I was feeling. I should have been unashamed of my body’s desires. I should have committed my raging hormones to the King who created them. I should have prayed for strength and for a future bountiful sex-filled beautiful marriage. I should have held tight to the promises that God has given me.

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“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12

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I could continue to list so many ‘I should have’ things but ahh the incredible earth shattering thing is because of God’s grace I can say to all those things “NOW I.”

• NOW I am tempted and I cry out to God. NOW I tell God my sexual thoughts.
• NOW I persevere.
• NOW I know that my trials are common to all.
• NOW I KNOW even when I fail, God wants to me to run back to him as fast as I can. He is waiting there with a feast in my honour.
• NOW I pray for my future.
• NOW I pray for a man who is preparing to love and partner with the beautiful, weird, creative, passionate, sexual being that I am!

Oh how good is our Father!

A moment that changed my life forever was when I decided to reach out and be really honest about pornography’s role in my life. It was in a lounge in Seattle with Krista, the founder of Live Salted, and after confiding in her she said to me “God’s got something for you, I know.” She didn’t flinch at my problem; she saw it for the truth that it was.

I had a problem with sin, but I also had a relationship with the Living King and He wanted to sort it out with me.

We finished our conversation and turned back to our laptops, and I came across a link to the song “Pieces” by Amanda Cook. With tears streaming down my face I knew God was saying to me “I AM NEVER AFRAID OF YOUR ‘DARK SIDE’, I will go wherever I have to in order to help you.”

 

He’s not afraid of my sin; He doesn’t like it and it hurts Him, but just as He did on the cross He is willing to sacrifice and go through pain to rescue me – He doesn’t give us half of Him, He is NEVER DISENGAGED.

When I got home from my trip to the States, I reached out to a married couple in my church who have been my close friends, mentors and unofficial counselors since I was fourteen. I told them the truth in its entirety and started to be honest with how pornography wasn’t just a past problem, but still is a current problem. They told me in love, just as Krista had earlier demonstrated, that it wasn’t as big of a deal that I thought it was; they bought me back down to earth. Instead of crying, although the option was given, we worked out a strategic plan of accountability. I meet with Anna weekly and it became a time where I got to be honest and discuss anything I wanted. Although it is great to have close friends over the other side of the world praying for you, and talking with you, I know it’s necessary to have good people around you in close proximity. Without being honest and real with the people I love and trust here in Wellington getting over this would have been so much harder.

If I wasn’t real with my housemates and closest girl pals about my struggles, how could they support me in the way I need?

God has blessed me so much with the support, love and grace around me, but it was only made accessible once I was honest about where I was in my battle with temptation.

Not long ago, I got invited to share a part of my testimony at a women’s night at my church. I felt that the Holy Spirit was directing me to share boldly about my struggles with sexual sins. With shaky hands and tears forming, I told a room full of older women what had gone on in my life. To my surprise and God’s delight, most of the women in that room reacted so positively, a number of them confiding in me that they ‘had always felt too sexual to be a woman’.

God cemented again that night that I am to be a sharer of the truth, and a boundary breaker, so that women can come together united and unashamed.

Just this week I came across an old encouragement from a friend–a word spoken over me in prayer about three years ago! She said: “I see you as a flower that’s big, bright and beautiful but you are closed up, you are waiting to bloom because it’s night time, the darkness is preventing you from be all that you could be.” The darkness was my sin, my past mistakes but also all of that shame I was carrying around. Now it’s light, the night has come to and end and I am beginning to bloom!

It’s never easy to share a story like mine, but it gives me a lot of motivation as I continue to tackle the temptations that arise, knowing that I have God and also a calling on my life to be living in the light!

So now I’m learning day by day what actually RUNNING from temptation looks like. I’m learning to come to my heavenly Father with everything, even when I am weak, no…. especially when I am weak. I am learning to separate hating sin with hating myself for doing it. I am learning to give myself grace, the same grace that God gives us and we then give others, even when I slip. My God is rewiring my brain, my associations, and my beliefs everyday. God created sex, He created us, and being ashamed to talk to Him about it is like being afraid to ask why a baker used a certain type of icing – the Creator always has the true answer about His creation! I know now that it’s never too late to turn from temptation, despite what the enemy would fill my mind with.

I’m not perfect; I still wouldn’t allow myself to be in a room alone with a guy I was dating; I still have to be really careful about what I do late at night, but that is maturity and knowing boundaries – boundaries that can be let out as I grow in strength, and resilience.

My Sisters, my heart for you is that you will learn how to endure the temptations that will come to you, and in doing so live your life to the full.

Know that any temptation you do face–alcohol, peer pressure, drugs, lying, hate, sex, porn, over eating, over shopping–is not weird, is not uncommon and is certainly not too much for the Lord who loves you unconditionally.

Temptations are never easy to have or to overcome, but the journey is about creating healthy boundaries and accountability. These things are not possible without first reaching out and being honest with someone you trust. Look for an older woman, who you know has a strong relationship with Jesus; look for someone who will be real with you and someone who is not afraid to talk about things that are sadly still considered ‘weird’ even when they are absolutely not. If talking to me at first is less scary then do so, I’m here! Talk to God; confide your temptations in Him, in moments of weakness, pray for strength and remember it is never too late to turn from away from a ‘slip up’. If you are in a season where you are being held down by sin, I pray that my story will encourage you to turn from it.

I know I have said it before but nothing is too BIG or too SMALL for our God to hear, my friend He is ready with open arms, waiting for you to run home.

So much love!

– Emma Davison –

**And I am serious, if any of you need to reach out and talk to someone about what is going on in your life. Please feel free to reach out to me. I would love to link up and talk/pray through it!

Insta: @davison_emma

Email: emma_davison05@hotmail.com

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